Picture this – you’re somewhere (anywhere), you have a question and you need some help. You see the person that will help you, you call their attention, they approach you, slowly but steadily, and greet you in a manner that is warm and inviting. “Hello!”, they say. “How can I help?” You start asking your questions; they listen intently, staying quiet the entire time, taking your words in, seemingly letter by letter and, when you are done talking, they take pause to formulate their response. When they do respond, their response is given in a manner that makes you feel that every word is worth $10,000 and has been carefully and meticulously crafted in such a way that answers your every need. If they do leave your conversation and have an action item; when they get back to you, it’s as if they have given every ounce of their thought to REALLY answer your questions and make sure you have absolutely everything you need to move forward.
How many people do you know like this? Out of the hundred-or-so people I know, off hand, I can think of five.
The Problem
How many times have you received a message and “read” it only to look back and discover that you missed a critical part of the communication which ended up leading to a mess later on? Have you ever lost trust with a client, friend, peer, or family member because you keep forgetting what you said to them and (maybe) what you committed to in the moment? Do you feel that your connection with people, in general, needs help?
It’s been said that one needs to seek to understand and then work to be understood. In the age of social media, instant replies, quick refresh and the ability to have 7 conversations at a single time, we’ve become ultimate task masters; however, the ability to hear what’s really being communicated has turned into an art form that few have mastery of. We have a hearing problem that needs a creative solution!
The Pragmatic Solution
Looking at the problem at hand, to be pragmatic about solving this problem, we need to break down the common characteristics of a good listener to figure out the solution.
- They’re intentional. If someone calls for their attention and they are busy working on the task they’ve started, they are honest in that they can’t speak now but will get back to them later. They might make a note but they don’t deviate from their current task at hand. Conversely, if they are not in the middle of something, you have their full attention.
- They’re hyper-focused. When they are working on something, they’re working on that thing and only that thing. They’ve placed themselves in a zone where distractions are minimized and so they can keep working until the task is done. If they happen to be in a meeting with you, or talking with you, you’ve become their focus (and you can feel it).
- They give pause. They do not focus on interjecting their response until they’ve fully digested what you’re saying and truly understand what you are trying to tell them. The only time they do interject is if you start jumping around and start to lose them in conversation.
- They empathetic and withhold their agenda (at least at the outset). Everyone has an agenda but these kinds of people don’t make it their intention to make their agenda known. If the time is right, they might slide it in as an “another idea or approach” but it doesn’t come off as more than another thought.
The Challenge
Looking at what’s being asked, it seems simple. Slow down and listen. Let the other distractions of life fall to the side and consume the words that are coming into your ears.
When I think of how I can implement this in my daily life, I immediately get anxious. I have things that pull me in any direction at any given time. My kids, home stuff, customers, my department, the cat just puked, the kids left all the lights on in the house and we’re just about to leave for school, the house needs to be vacuumed because we skipped it last week, I have 2 projects that are over budget and need immediate attention because it’s impacting our resource forecasting, Billy just took 3 days of unplanned PTO and the sprint commitments are going to be missed (customer NOT happy), my day full of meetings just got pushed because my kids are sick, and on, and on, and on.
How can you possibly ask me to slow down?! When I wake up I can immediately name 5 things I need to do before 7AM. Once I get my day started, it’s not uncommon to end the day with another 15 things that need attention. I’ve got back to back meetings all day that minimize my ability to even take a bathroom break, let alone get things done. I’m just in the season of my life where life and my career are just in chaos and it is what it is. If I offend you because I’ve got things to do, I’m sorry… it’s not my intention.
The Practical and Pragmatic Solution
It’s not practical to assume that anyone can just stop their brain in order to listen what’s being spoken at them; however, this is more of a habit exercise. Let me explain. NOTE: after review, I’d say these points do not apply to cold calls or telemarketers… 😉
- Be disciplined and force yourself to listen when someone does engage you. Be a human and give them a few minutes of your time. If you’re busy, tell them… but get back to them.
- If you need to hunker down and need quiet time, make sure you’re in that space to give the task the respect it needs.
- If you don’t need quiet/alone time, go about your business but leave yourself open to break-ins. If there is a break-in, stop what you’re doing (close the laptop lid!) and focus on the person.
- If it’s a phone call, and you have the time, pick up the phone. If you don’t have the time, don’t pick it up but get back to them.
- It’s helpful to use the task list tool on your phone or, if you’re a notebook kind of person, keep a pen / notebook handy so that you can make a note so you don’t forget.
- If you’re consistently too busy, DELEGATE. Empower your team by giving them tasks to work on that will help them grow or ask your boss to help you delegate and offer to do the training. It could also mean being creative with your finances (example: hiring a cleaning service to clean your house so you have more time with your family).
- Compartmentalize where you can to find efficiencies.
We’ve become a culture of task masters working hard every day to get our lists done. We’ve created a life that is busy and chaotic and hectic and nuts. While this approach has helped us get a lot done in a short amount of time, we just keep piling on, don’t we? While I’m proud to say that I’m in this group and it has helped me get to where I am today, I’m also one of the many that need a hearing adjustment. Take action!